18 Emotional Stages Of Getting Ready For A Date When You Live Out Of A Backpack
Trying to make the impossible possible.
When you're living out of a backpack while traveling, you've got your bare minimum packed. Sure, you could have allowed a flirty dress or a nice bra to creep its way into the contents, but when would you actually wear it? And if there's no need for it, you're going to resent carrying it. So it's just bazaar-bought pants and industrial-strength knits in your bag, which makes for a perplexing situation when you find yourself invited out on a date with a local.
You want to show up looking like you would back at home - a picture of hotness, striding across the bar in a carefully picked outfit that reflects your version of a man killer. But when you only have your most normcore shirts and about two pairs of pants Tetris-ed into your backpack, ain't no way you have lots of options. Enter the hilarious frustration of trying to get ready for a date while living out of a suitcase. Here's the thought process of the mental breakdown:
1. I can't wait to actually go out with someone that's not from a hostel! If he's not going to be wearing tie-dye and hole-y pants, than neither am I. Hello, A-game.
2. Oh, wait. My A-game couldn't fit into my backpack. It's just...well, it's just thrift store sweaters in there, really.
3. Lets see what we have in here. I know I packed a party shirt or two for just this situation.
4. Yup, both party shirts are used and abused and haven't been washed. Maybe I can get away with... Nope, that smells like it's been dipped straight up in Guinness. No getting away with that one.
5. Maybe I can wear that one other shirt - Oh hell, it's wrinkled to unrecognizable proportions. I don't understand, did I turn this into origami before I put it into my bag? How is it this creased?
6. And that other sweater has grease stains from that one time I wiped down a pan with it. Goddamn hostels and their no paper towels.
7. Okay, don't panic. Maybe you can salvage this. You won't have to go on your date looking like you've just come out of a hippie commune. We've got it.
8. Maybe I should go shopping right quick? But then a new dress is like a week's worth of hostel beds, so...
9. *Puts on normal Hanes white tee.* God, I'm going to feel like such a scrub sitting next to all these appropriately Friday-night-glittering, lacquered up women at the bar. This is not going to be great.
10. Snap out of it, it'll be fine. Just do up your hair, put on some mascara, and you'll dazzle him right when you step in the door.
11. Oh right, that one girl from the last hostel borrowed my mascara and never gave it back. Okay, so that's out.
12. When was the last time I did laundry? I need to get my life together.
13. Hmm, I have no flirty undies because those hostel washing machines are about as vicious as feral wolves. So hopefully he's alright with white granny panties with slightly stretched out elastic. I mean, I am.
14. Hey, I found a Euro in my jean pocket! A pint is on me.
15. I really wish I packed a hair straightner. I look like I just escaped a Jumanji board.
16. Okay right, so I think I'm going to go with the itchy fisherman sweater and the gym shoes. So, essentially I'm dressing up as my grandpa on a Wednesday afternoon. Perf. Just what I was going for.
17. *Vigorously rubs on perfume that's attached to a magazine ad.*
18. There, I'm ready. Now lets go rock these guy's socks off - Jerry Seinfeld shoes, laundry day sweater, Bridget Jones panties, and all.