Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Jason Biggs, Kyle MacLachlan, Hayes MacArthur (Getty)

It's a well known fact that Halloween is the one night of the year when ladies get a free pass to dress as er, sexy as we like. Meanwhile, men typically take this night as an opportunity to impress people with how absolutely hilarious they are. Whether it's through excessive use of spandex, dressing in drag, or perhaps donning a furry animal suit, dudes will do pretty much anything to get a laugh on October 31.

But while your lady friend is impressing the masses with her flirty nurse, cat, police officer or *insert generic sexy costume here,* the odds are that you're making her squirm with the super funny and "awesome" Sumo wrestler costume that has your guy friends rolling on the floor in laughter.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy who decided to be a baby for Halloween. Somewhere along the way his diaper broke, which resulted in us making a pit stop at the grocery story to buy a package of Depends, with him, shirtless in a broken diaper, wearing a pacifier around his neck and an oversized baby bonnet on his head. Maybe some people were laughing, but I don't think I was one of them.

So fellas, before stepping out this Halloween, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. Will this costume cause humiliation to myself and those around me?
2. Does it make me look hideous?
3. Will my girlfriend (or anyone) still want to kiss me if I wear this?

Here are some examples of good Halloween costumes for men:
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
John Legend as the Mark Antony to Chrissy Teigen's Cleopatra. (Bauer Griffin)

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Carmelo Anthony as a Harlem Gangster. (Getty)

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Tyson Beckford looking sexy, I mean ready for combat.  (Getty)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Derek Hough as Clark Kent. (Flynet Pictures)

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Russell Simmons and Andrew Harrell as Run DMC. (Getty)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Quddus as freaking Napoleon Dynamite, duh! (Getty)

And some not so good ones:
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
We're all for cute couple costumes, but that's a lot of yellow spandex on Hayes MacArthur  (Bauer Griffin)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween Kyle MacLachlan as...Cheeze Whiz? (Getty)

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Ryan Eggold as a girl with very hairy legs. (FlynetPictures)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Cisco Adler as Axl Rose, although Lindsay Lohan would also be a good guess. (FlynetPictures)

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween
Somewhere under that lampshade is Jeff Gordon as a one night stand. Get it? (Getty)

Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween Doug Reinhardt as a Tooth Fairy. (Flynet Pictures)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween Jason Biggs as Dorothy. (Getty)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween As if the mom from Psycho wasn't already scary enough, Eddie Kaye Thomas went and did this. (Getty)
Dear Men, Please Don't Wear ______ on Halloween Heidi Klum's trainer David Kirsch shows his buns of steel to the masses. (Getty)
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