The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 1 – Emily Maynard, winner of season 15 of 'The Bachelor,' is introduced to her suitors in this eighth season's premiere. (ABC)more pics »Last night’s much-anticipated debut of the Bachelorette opened with an introduction befitting the real life Nicholas Sparks heroine that is Emily Maynard.
Clad in a MILF-does-modesty tight oatmeal cableknit sweater and watermelon jeans, Emily brought viewers up to date on her past, from the heartbreaking loss of her first fiancé, a racecar driver who was the father to Maynard’s daughter Ricki, and who died tragically in a plane crash, to her failed relationship with former Bachelor Brad Womack. It was all leading up to the big reveal, a Gone with the Wind-styled illustration starring Emily clutching daughter Ricki in a field, and, of course, her triumphantly hopeful life motto: “You’ve got to put on your big girl panties and move on with it!”
We just hope she doesn’t wear said panties on the overnight dates. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
It was time to meet our heroine’s dashing suitors in the show’s traditional opening montage, beginning with Kalon the luxury brand consultant, a man who could easily be hated for his occupation alone, but who went the extra mile by lording his private aviation habit over the rest of the crew. “I used to be extremely loud and obnoxious,” he confessed, before revealing he’d outsourced the “extremely loud” bit to his helicopter, so he could devote his energies to the latter activity.
Kalon’s high-octane career (in which we he stands on building landings and gazes into the distance, see right) was a tough act to follow, but fortunately lumber trader Tony (who lives in, you guessed it, Beaverton), was up to the challenge when the camera crew passed through Oregon: “This is a great batch we got here!” he enthused to his coworker while gazing at a stack of wood. Beat that, G.I. Joe!
Not to be outdone, LA-based real estate guy Lerone was also in the midst of a critical transaction when the production team caught up with him. “Did you get the paperwork I sent you?” he asked the person on the other end of the line, whom we can only assume was Donald Trump.
We hope Emily gets to see this footage, because anyone sending paperwork AND FOLLOWING UP ON SAID PAPERWORK is someone worth considering.
But don’t call off the hunt just yet, there’s also New York based singer-songwriter David (pictured left), who has “a lot of songs specifically about trying to find true love.” In fact, he has one song that is specifically about—well, you see if you can guess from the lyrics: “Emily, Emily, Emily! Oh oh, Em-uh-lee-ee. Woooh oh , Em-i-lee-e, woa, oh, oh, oh, Emily. Emileee …”
With the audience duly convinced that Emily’s batch of bachelors are upstanding members of society, it was time for in-person meetings, and for our steel magnolia to get dressed in the evening’s showstopper, a bespoke nude, sequin, one-shoulder gown by Jean Fares with flame-like embellishments to underline the hot mama status of the woman we’re dealing with. If you didn’t get it on your own, and you didn’t subsequently hear it 25 times, she looked "stunning.”
It was time to bring on the limos—and with them, a parade of Hollywood parodies.
There was Superman, aka Biology teacher Aaron, who whipped off his Clark Kent specs to deliver his opening line: “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
There was Mrs. Doubtfire, aka Randy (pictured right), who dressed up as a grandma in an effort to earn shock and awe points with Emily (and inside joke cred with devoted Bachelor watchers who witnessed Brittney’s grandma stunt on Ben Flajnik’s season of the Bachelor).
Then, there were myriad incarnations of Tom Cruise, from Days of Thunder (racecar driver Arie), to Magnolia (rehab counselor Michael, who clearly has a hair tossing addiction) to crazy real-life Tom Cruise (circa that Oprah episode where he announced he was in love with Katie Holmes), aka the erratic, jig-dancing field energy advisor Joe, who couldn’t resist continually yelling “This is exciting!”
Back to the Future was present and accounted for thanks to bottled water boss Jef, who arrived on the scene riding his very own blacklit hoverboard, as was Jurassic Park, thanks to Travis and a worryingly massive egg he carted around and likened to his new lady love and her little one.
Given the emphasis on kids, it was only right that a Pixar flick got a shoutout, so Chris from corporate sales took the Toy Story route, presenting Emily with a pair of bobbleheads (pictured left). “I want to give you something that shows who I am, and you have no idea what I’m looking for in my pocket,” he prefaced, causing us to worry if this film would be child appropriate.
But perhaps the most effective use of cinematic tropes came from former football player Ryan, who took the Love Actually wordlessly-communicating-romantic-sentiments-via-signs approach, writing “You’re so beautiful” and “I’m so nervous” on a piece of paper. Aw.
Still, nothing seemed to beat that hoverboard. “He seems super cool and I hope he thinks I’m super cool too,” gushed Emily of one-F Jef.
In the end though, the first impression rose went to Doug, who played the single dad card by sharing a letter written by his
There were 18 more to give away, but sadly not enough to cover Brent (and his six children), or Jackson and his six six-packs: “She didn’t even get to see the goods,” he said mournfully.
She did, however, get to see what can happen to kids when the solo parent thing goes awry. “I used to joke that I was a hopeless romantic, and the hopeless part continues,” Kalon told her before revealing, “I was raised by a single mom!”
If that’s not motivation enough for committing to this “journey” then we don’t know what is.
(All images from ABC)
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