Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode Six

Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode

Episode six of The Bachelor had us checking our TV Guide to make sure we weren’t watching PBS—because there was just so much learning to be done this time around.

After the lesson in “how to survive on a deserted island” was out of the way (turns out it’s a snap — just tell your helicopter to pick you up in an hour. Now why didn’t Tom Hanks’ character in Cast Away think of that?), it was time to learn to salsa, and guess which VIP waitress was a natural? True, Blakely did seem thrown when she clocked that the practice space was completely devoid of poles, but not even architectural insufficiencies could stop her.

The dance floor seduction did confuse Rachel, however: "I think Blakely really uses her
Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode Sixsexuality with Ben a lot and I don’t understand why," the pretty blonde pondered. Really, Rachel? Really? Maybe it’s BECAUSE SHE IS A VIP COCKTAIL WAITRESS, RACHEL. AND THAT’S WHAT SHE DOES. FOR A LIVING. RACHEL.

Of course, no amount of hip jiggling could save Blakely once she revealed her secret obsession to Ben: Collage making! The Bachelor wasn’t entirely swayed by Blakely’s display of craftiness, but we couldn’t help but respect the fact that she both remembered to pack her glue stick and managed to keep it safe from the other inmates roommates. We must also award points for resourcefulness—we never would have thought of repurposing the cover of our Wells Fargo “Together We’ll Go Far” checkbook for a loved up collage. Excuse us while we write that on our Valentine’s Day cheat sheet next to “Don’t forget to cut out the word ‘scotch’ and work it into our gift in some way.”

Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode SixBen demonstrated how impressed he was by commenting, “Wow, this is ongoing, this is great.” We love it when people gush about us like that, how our presence at work is “ongoing,” or when our mom raves about our “ongoing” hairstyle. Seriously mom stop, we’re blushing.

We then learned what wasn’t ongoing, when Ben gave Rachel his rose, sending Blakely home with only her magazine clippings to keep her warm. As if his “check please” wasn’t enough, the producers chose Blakely’s exit as an opportunity to cut away to a stray cat on the streets of Panama. Subtle.

And the tough lessons kept on coming, with Casey S. discovering that one boyfriend at home plus one boyfriend you’re not interested in—who you also share with a group of other girls—didn’t add up to much. “It wasn’t Ben and now I have to find someone else!” she concluded, distraught, like she had two expired bottles of milk in the refrigerator and no one had warned her she’d now need to buy another. To make matters worse, we’re not even sure she ever got to put her shoes back on after Chris Harrison escorted her out. Harsh.

Emily was next on the schooling train, realizing that she’d better start talking in vague Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode SixBen-pleasing platitudes and stop talking smack about Courtney if she’s going to hack it in Bachelor-land. “It’s a lesson,” she explained. “I feel like there’s lots of lessons.”

Oh Emily, we feel that way too—and as ever, the fashion department was a lesson in hits and
misses. Unfortunately it seems that Kasey B., a favorite on the personality front, continues to be a sartorial cautionary tale, this week modeling a black jersey mini that looked as though it may have been lifted from the set of Victor/Victoria, with one long-sleeved side to complement its spaghetti string counterpart. Maybe she was only allowed to bring one sleeve to the island? In which case, she’s forgiven.

Primetime Fashion: Bachelor Recap Episode SixAs ever, Courtney dressed and undressed with aplomb. First going topless (save for a native beaded bikini) for the group date Panamanian River adventure, then stealing the show in a hot white bikini, and finally shutting down the competition in a drapey white sequin cocktail dress with peekaboo sleeves.

But the biggest lesson was still to come, with Jamie—outfitted in a private dancer’s gold halter and black hotpant ensemble—teaching Ben how to hold his breath under water. At least that’s what we thought she was teaching him: “First our mouths are going to be closed,” she instructed while straddling the traumatized Bachelor. We’d love to tell you what happened next, but it all went black from there. One minute we were watching while screaming “No! Stop! What are you doing? Make it stop!” and the next minute we were in a fetal position on the floor.

When we came to we could have sworn Emily was rapping about diseases bacterial and fungal, but maybe we were still under the influence.