Filmed in the pastoral wonderland that is Interlaken, Switzerland, where adorable baby sheep scamper on green hillsides and mountainous panoramas twinkle at every turn, the ninth episode of The Bachelor was, as Courtney observed, “like a fairytale.” And, as always, our Prince Charming had to overcome many obstacles—including making forced metaphors about how the millionth helicopter ride of the season reflected his relationship arc with Nicki, and how forcing a terrified Lindzi down the cliff-face of a ravine would bring them closer together—but in the end he achieved his goal: Bedding down with three Swiss Mistresses, with the help of his very own de Bergerac, Chris Harrison, who asked all the tough questions on his behalf, namely: “Do you want to win bad enough to come back to my place?” They did.
First there was Nicki, who following a day of picnicking between helicopter drop-offs, came in with the tough transitive property sell: If Ben thinks my dad is like his dad, then that means we’re meant to be together, and should probably start negotiating the size of our family. Ben couldn’t quite keep up with her math, so he elected to gush about the pair’s gift of gab before shutting her up. “I love our conversations, I must tell you I love our conversations,” he assured her in the manner of a British professor, then, “I have something for you.” Ben, is that a key in your pocket, or are you just happy to turn the conversation away from fictional kids?
Next up was Lindzi, who gamely faced her fear of heights once again, by comforting herself that it was “a lot like stepping into a relationship.” We never thought about it, but you know what, it is a lot like stepping into a relationship, if your relationship involves strapping yourself into a harness—could that be what Ben meant when he called Lindzi a “little bit country and a little bit city”? Is a little bit “city” what the kids are calling it these days? Having passed her test once again, Lindzi slipped into something more dusky purple and Barbie-like (with a glittery neckline to boot) for the evening portion of the date.
“I do have something for you,” Ben warned. “Does it involve jumping off of something?” Lindzi asked, betraying a glimmer of post traumatic stress. No sweetie, it doesn’t. But it does involve jumping onto something.
Last, and certainly not nicest, was Courtney, outfitted in smashing winter wear: A ruffled, nipped at the waist black coat and black knee boots, topped off with an English garden floral scarf. It was an idyllic day—including a magical train ride through the mountains—but soon the pleasantries were put aside.
“I noticed at certain times you would twist the knife,” the Bachelor said, confronting Courtney with his fear that she can’t play well with other women. “Regardless of the situation, it’s pretty messed up.”
The gravity of the sentiment didn’t go unnoticed by Courtney, who offered her mea culpa later on, when Ben expressed worry about the fact that he has a mom and a sister, which could prove tricky, given Courtney’s demonstrated female-intolerance. C ponied up the obligatory “my bad” and all was forgiven in time to shack up. “I’m ready to take this relationship to the next step and have uninterrupted everything,” Ben said, stopping short of revealing, “because I haven’t had uninterrupted everything with Courtney since that time in Puerto Rico.”
Leaving the couple to their own devices, it was time for a commercial for Titanic, starring new bachelorette Emily Maynard and her trainers, Ali Fedotowsky and Ashley Hebert, who treated viewers to a 3D episode of Shit Bachelorettes Say, including, “I feel like the way Jack looks at Rose is the way JP looks at me,” and “I feel like I’m there, like I can touch it.” Finally, Emily chimed in with her secret wish: “I want to feel like how she feels,” she sighed, looking longingly at Kate Winslet’s character as she prepares to jump to her almost-certain death.
Before we knew it, we were back, and so was Kacie B., in time to get some answers about her dismissal and ominously warn Ben about Courtney, like a ghost from rose ceremonies past. “I feel like if you were to choose Courtney you’d get your heart broken,” she sobbed. It was a lot to process—enough to make Ben stare at unflattering photos of the women, with a tortured look on his face, before sending Nicki, in an ill-fitting, asymmetrical white cocktail dress emblazoned with a sequined applique, on her way. As Lindzi (dressed in a meh, awkward length midnight gown with a plunging neckline) and Courtney (in a girly black lace cocktail dress) waited in the wings, Ben walked Nicki out.
“I cried a little bit today,” he confessed, reminding Nicki that everything wasn’t always about her. As she sobbed heartwrenchingly in the reject limo, Ben returned to his paramours for the happily ever after we were all waiting for: A champagne toast that felt vaguely like the overture for a threesome.