The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 7 – Emily and her suitors go to Prague. (Abc)Having conquered the cities of London and Dubrovnik, the intrepid crew of the good ship Bachelorette journeyed to Prague last night, for what may have been the most narratively complex episode of the series thus far—an episode that not only contained more symbolism than the Davinci Code, but also touched on Sean’s uncanny ability to track Emily Maynard with his internal GPS, a family of puppets and one very magical dog.
Rather than make us wait, the producers ponied up the much-anticipated Arie-dating-a-producer-without-fessing-up-to-Emily plotline without delay—well, almost without delay.
First, Emily took advantage of her one-on-one date with Arie to give him a drawn-out opportunity to come clean, using the old “rub the Czech dog statue” trick to make him feel guilty enough to confess all.
Not familiar with that trick? For those of you who have been living under a rock that symbolizes ignorance, there’s this statue on this bridge in Prague, which features a carved likeness of a dog that is said to possess the power to promote loyalty in relationships.
“It’s weird to rub a dog that represents loyalty when I know in the back of my head that he has a secret that he is hiding from me,” Emily confides. To which we say: You had us at “it’s weird to rub a dog that represents loyalty.”
Emily continues to fish around for Arie's betrayal, which Arie combats by using the word ‘trust’ as many ways as possible in a sentence, and bringing up his handsiness with that dog again.
“I’m very trustworthy. I’ve always been, like, a very trustworthy person. I think you have to trust in your partner,” he says, adding, “And we rubbed that dog on the bridge.”
No arguments there.
But just when things are getting interesting, we cut away to Chris Harrison, who updates us from Malibu (and the future! like Memento!) that following the scene we’re currently watching, Emily and Arie and the producer in question had a very honest conversation about the issue, which—wait for it—took place off camera.
Say what now? This is the juiciest thing to happen on the show since Kalon’s offensive comment about Ricki being baggage—which, if you'll recall, was also reported secondhand having slipped by the Bachelorette camera crew—and the convo took place off camera? What are these guys doing besides filming tourist bureau footage of their round-the-world paid vacation and documenting stray cats? Okay fine Harrison, we’ll pretend this show is on the radio and wait for you to tell us what happened.
“Arie told Emily that he thought the relationship was so brief and took place so long ago it didn’t matter. Emily agreed, and she realized her feelings and her relationship with Arie wasn’t effected,” our host reports.
Back in Prague, Emily is not only suddenly totally fine with the situation, but has also apologized to Arie for doubting him, and traded her nipped-at-the-waist white blazer and silver sequined shorts for the ensemble’s nighttime equivalent, a sequin tiger-print shirt and a black blazer.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 7 – Emily's day to night blazer action. (Abc)Drama out of the way, Arie decides it’s the optimum time to drop the L-word, and a clearly excited Emily can now focus on what’s really important, like what she’ll wear next week: “I have to start planning out my outfits…” she worries aloud, and we can almost see the packing list in her head: denim cutoffs for daytime, fancy denim cutoffs for dinner, sequin dress for meeting the parents, sequin tennies in case we go for a hike…
Crisis averted, it’s time for Emily’s date with Wolf, who, discontent with having only one nickname, has reverted to calling himself “the closer,” despite the fact that his date’s climactic activity includes securing a symbolic lock (which for those of you filling out decoder worksheets at home represents everlasting love) on a gate, a task he is very nearly unable to achieve.
Despite the technical difficulties, Wolf still feels he’s “locked up” a rose by the end of his date with Emily, and his confidence upon returning home is so unsettling that it drives Sean to take to the streets of Prague yelling Emily’s name like some sort of maniac who thinks he can locate someone in a city of 1,272,690 people by shouting her name.
Oh look it worked! Not at all surprisingly, Sean soon finds Emily standing alone in a darkened alley, like she’s waiting for Lassie to bring a news update on the well situation.
The pair share a special moment before reuniting the next day for the group date, which has elicited varying reactions from its attendees: An increasingly glassy-eyed Chris is “pissed off,” while an excitable Doug enthuses, “Are you kidding me? Today is going to be an awesome day!”
The quartet visit a castle (where we later find out that they engage in an epic game of hide and seek) and Emily chats Doug up in a turret, where he apologizes for inadvertently touching her leg before offering an aside to the camera: “I wish Emily would give me the ‘hey you big dummy come and give me a kiss’ eyes.”
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 7 – Emily and Doug grab some turret talk. (Abc)Instead, Emily gives Doug her “you like to play hide and seek more than you like to touch my leg, so maybe you should get going” eyes, before bidding him adieu and changing into what may be our absolute favorite look yet (pictured below): a white tulle and chiffon asymmetrical dress with silver sequin embellishments, topped off with an ivory wrap and accessorized with silver, bronze and yellow gold colored geometric stacking bangles.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 7 – Emily chooses between Sean and Chris. (Abc)With two men left standing, Emily is presented with the uncomfortable task of giving out a single rose. Probably best just to play it down, like it’s no big deal, right?
“I feel like this rose really is the most important one that I’ve given out so far,” she prefaces with all the downplay of the Rocky theme before awarding it to Sean the Wonderdog. “I hope you don’t take it personally,” she consoles Chris, who seems unconvinced that the fact that Emily pretty much just told him that she likes Sean better is anything but personal.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 7 – Chris shows signs of wear and tear. (Abc)With Chris’s heart suitably crushed and his eyes growing redder by the minute, it’s time for Emily’s date with Jef, who she reasons will be an excellent father because he’s a big kid himself: Worst case scenario, she ends up with another kid, which we all know she wants “yesterday.” It’s a win win!
Fittingly, Emily has planned a child-friendly itinerary for the day: a shopping spree at a marionette shop, followed by a trip to the library, where the two will test-drive their newly purchased puppets.
“I figured what better place to put on a puppet show and reenact every highlight from our relationship?” she says.
Hmm… a better place … nothing comes to mind but let us ask our friend Chucky from Child’s Play. Because he knows more about where creepy talking dolls like to hang out.
The pair put on their Being John Malkovich hats, and reenact all of their best moments through their puppets, which, we’ll admit is surprisingly entertaining, when suddenly Jef’s puppet, opens up: “I am one million percent in love with you,” he says.
Holy smokes! We thought Arie was moving fast but Jef’s puppet is a regular Casanova. Still, Jef is no slouch either: After the show he not only tells Emily that he likes her, but also that he wants to “date her so hard” and marry the F out of her.
But obviously he’s not the only one: In fact, when it comes to parents, Chris wants to introduce the F out of her, and is so desperate to make up for his negative attitude on the group date that he interrupts the rose ceremony for a last ditch plea, which seems to do the trick —Emily gives the final rose to Chris, and decides to close down her relationship with "the closer."
Which means next week Emily will be meeting the families of Arie, Chris, Jef and Sean; and also that Wolf should maybe just stick with the one nickname.