Winter is infamous for hiding food babies underneath sweaters, forgetting what a razor is for, and willing the cold months away with a Hotty Toddy in your hands. But with that abuse comes consequences, and after a season of nothing but stuffed pizza crusts and a Ron Swanson amount of whiskey, your body is going to be all "Why God, why?" So here is my apology to my body. We've got a couple more months left, we can do this.
1. I'm Sorry I Made The Microplush Blanket Our Official Uniform
But pants are just so trying when it comes to the winter months. I know I embarrassed you when I opened the door wearing it like a cape when the pizza delivery guy came, but honestly, he's a pizza delivery guy. He's used to this kind of clientele, no?
2. Speaking Of Which, I'm Sorry My Food Pyramid Became Pizza Hut
Just...all Pizza Hut. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Me and the manager are on a first name basis and he sometimes sends free dipping sauces my way. Plz don't die of cholesterol and self-loathing. Hang in there, bud.
3. I'm Sorry Our Body Hair Situation Looks Like We Got Forgotten On An Island
But there's no way I'm stepping out on dates when it requires me to wear two coats just to survive the arctic gales out there, so what would I be doing with a razor? I promise I'll take a weed wacker to this mess come April and we'll be back on track.
4. I'm Sorry I'm Using Football As An Excuse To Makeout With Melted Cheese
I know you know I hate football, and I know you know that I have no idea what's happening during those Sunday mornings, but c'mon. Melted cheese. Nachos. Chicken wings. Just let me have this.
5. I'm Sorry I'm Dealing With My Seasonal Depression With Baked Goods
But there's nothing that puts a smile faster on my face and makes me forget about how everything outside is dead, grey, and full of gloom and doom then a pretty pink cupcake. How can I deny myself that? How, I ask you?!
6. I'm Sorry My Feet Look Like They Belong To A Hobbit
But when you're wearing two pairs of socks per day, I feel like the offense could slide. I swear I'll act like I have ovaries once I see grass again.
7. I'm Sorry I Tried On That Romper Without Mentally Preparing You First
But, to my defense, spring fashion is slowly starting to trickle in and I got excited and grabbed the first one off the rack. I know it was a shock to see those pasty, hairy legs. And I know we had to have a talk about what was happening with the whole permanent-food-baby situation that's a result of eating wheels of brie alone in one sitting, but we've got time to right a couple of wrongs.
8. I'm Sorry I Made You Go Outside In Nothing But Tights And A Sparkly Dress
But you said you wanted to leave the house, and one has to disrobe from the microplush blanket in order to do that, okay? Proper attire takes the form of mini dresses and sheer tights, and that's what I did. I know you threatened with hypothermia but, honestly, you just can't have it both ways.
9. I'm Sorry I've Used White Wine As A Substitute For Water
But the corner stone brand is almost as cheap as water, and it helps with the whole "trapped indoors because Mother Russia is raging outside" situation. It makes watching Scream Queens for the third time in a row a little more interesting, you know what I mean?
10. I'm Sorry My Idea Of Doing A Squat Is Picking Up A Dropped Cheeto On The Floor
Ten second rule! Also, what's the point of tightening those glutes if they're just going to spring back to their pancake state after another month of couch-living. Just rough it out for one more month and I swear I'll finally take my sports bra out of hiding.
I'll still eat Cheetos and drink way too much wine, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Winter is almost ready to take it's cue. Hang tight, boo.