2. claireinthesnow:
"He takes a call from a girl and he says to her, 'Oh I'm just in the pub with (male roommate's name).' I can hear her on the other end getting worked up about something and him telling her to calm down. 

He hangs up the phone and says, 'That was my fiance, but not a real one, just one I'm with for her visa... Oh yeah, I should probably tell you I'm getting married in three weeks.' At this exact point, I just said, 'Well, I'm going home,' and start pulling on my coat.

His reply was even more classic: 'Do you want to help me buy groceries first?'"