How to Travel When You Have to Pee All the Time
Don't let small bladder issues get you down.
Hyperbolically put, I have a bladder the size of an M&M and it makes any extended travel...interesting. After a particularly scarring incident on a bus ride from London to Gatwick airport, I decided to wise up. Granted, I'd chugged pint a beer before embarking on that fateful bus trip, which wasn't the smartest idea, but the lesson still stands. I learned to be hyperaware of my own need to pee, and over the years picked up these handy-dandy tips that I hope will help you, my fellow small-bladdered world travelers.
Sit in the aisle seat.
Claiming the aisle seat may be hazardous to your elbows, but it allows for an easy exit strategy, should you need to sprint to a bathroom ASAP. Of course, even sitting in the aisle won't help much if there's no bathroom nearby...as was the case on the 2007 London Bus Ride from Hell(TM). Which brings me to...
Scout the location of the nearest toilet immediately upon arrival.
Wherever you are — plane, train, automobile, forest path, ocean cruise, the Eiffel Tower, wherever — make sure you play I Spy with the nearest bathroom (or bathroom proxy, like behind a tree, in the case of the forest path) as soon as you arrive on the scene. Your bladder will thank you later.
Avoid drinking too much before long travel, especially alcohol.
Don't pull a 2007 Jess move and drink a pint before getting on an hour-long bus ride. Just don't. Don't intentionally dehydrate yourself either, but be smart about how much liquid you're consuming if you're about to embark on a journey, no matter how short or long it is, if you aren't going to have access to a bathroom on said journey. And pro tip: alcohol prevents your body's antidiuretic hormone from releasing, which causes an increase in urination (and dehydration). The more you know.
Learn how to ask for the bathroom in every language possible.
Look, sometimes you have to ask strangers where the bathroom is located. It's just good sense to know how to do so using the native language of the country you're currently traveling in. Not everyone speaks English, you know! Anyway, isn't "ou est la salle de bain?" one of the first things you learned in 7th grade French class? No? Just me?
Always carry an empty bottle, just in case.
You just never know when an emergency will strike and you're gonna need to pee into a bottle.
Heck, always carry a diaper!
This one speaks for itself, no?
If you're in the US, download that Starbucks app NOW.
Seriously, the Starbucks app on my phone has saved me more than once. It has a feature that allows you to seek out the nearest Starbucks location (which shouldn't be more than 100 feet away, because Starbucks is taking over the world). You can always use the bathroom in a Starbucks, except maybe in the Times Square store. This is the second best option to having your own personal George Costanza on hand to always tell you the best public toilet in New York City.
Go forth and see the world, o tiny bladder compatriots! Hopefully these helpful tips will keep you from having to squat in an alley or just straight up wet yourself on a train platform. They might even help prevent a bladder infection or UTI. And by the way, I was just kidding about the diaper.