The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – Emily and her suitors travel to Croatia. ABC
Last night’s episode of Disney Pixar’s Bachelorette featured grown men screening Brave, the shock dismissal of Ryan (if dismissing someone who talks ceaselessly about his “worldly gifts” is shocking), the total demasculinization of Chris, a much contested mug and a lot of confusion about Croatia.
The trip begins with Travis and Emily's one-on-one date in the medieval city of Dubrovnik, Croatia, which leads us to a quick pop quiz: Is Dubrovnik a) the perfect place to fall in love, much like Charlotte, London, Bermuda and (spoiler alert) Prague b) not what Travis was expecting, for whatever reason c) in Em’s words, ”certainly not Mississippi and definitely not West Virginia” or d) pretty much the same as Scotland?
If you’re asking Emily, Travis or the Bachelorette producers the answer is e) all of the above—but more on that last option later.
After line dancing to a bit of traditional Croatian music, like you do (much to the chagrin of said traditional Croatian street musician), Travis rates the date an eight on a scale of one to ten.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – Emily and Travis go honkey tonk abroad. (Abc)Sadly for Travis, Em scores it a meh on the clearly-not-ending-up-with-the-guy-who-brought-the-egg- scale, leaving Travis to find his way home in the rain, and teeing up a perfect opportunity for the spurned hero to dejectedly throw his umbrella off-camera, probably hitting a hapless Croatian street musician in the process, or at the very least, one of those sad stray cats the cameramen love to cut to.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – a white hot Ryan. (Abc)
Back at the house, Ryan is wearing an extremely feminine, extremely tiny tank top (Ricki’s maybe?) and bragging about his ability to “manipulate the situation” and “jump into a romantic connection.” Okay Ryan, we’ll give you the manipulative bit, but jumping into a romantic “connection”? That’s Bachelorette for Beginners buddy!
But enough about Ryan, let’s talk about Disney Pixar’s Brave, in theaters June 22. Or better yet, let’s watch the Bachelorette and her suitors watch Brave, like Mystery Science Theater, only with commentary like “I love this movie” and “Brave is a funny movie” and “so cool!”
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – Let's all go to the movies. (Abc)Movie finished, it’s time to desperately try to make said shameless promotion relevant by mounting a traditional Scottish gladiatorial competition complete with kilts, a costume change for Em (tartan mini? check!), and donkeys, because we should have something Croatian in there.
“It feels like we’re in Scotland which is a little confusing because we’re in Croatia,” Doug points out, effectively ruining his chances for a Christmas card from John Lassetter.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – The men channel Reservoir Dogs en route to their own Highland games. (Abc)The guys try their hand at archery, manhandling each other and, just like every other episode, tossing around a lot of wood. Girlie boy Jef fails to topple the wood, but it’s still not as embarrassing as Chris who has come in utterly last in every event, while He-Sean proves he’s so all-American that the wood splits the moment he looks at it.
“I’m not going to lie it was impressive. Sean looked friggin’ hot,” Emily murmurs.
But when it comes time to award the Bravery Cup (or Bravery Mug, as Chris calls it), Emily morphs into mom mode, giving the honor to Chris, for his bravery in the face of seriously sucking.
“Emily’s already given me the Bravest Man mug, but I’d trade that in for a rose,” he says, perhaps mistaking the Highland Games for Chuck E Cheese’s. Still, his wish is granted when Em ponies up the bud, leading us to believe he had sufficient tokens for the prize after all.
Back at the pad, Ryan is pre-gaming for his one-on-one date by spending some quality time with his favorite person: “It’s been a good day, spending time alone, that’s really what I wanted more than anything,” he says.
His dream date is disrupted when Emily arrives to pick him up, and the two spend a scenic day touring Croatia (or as Ryan not-at-all-ignorantly calls it, “the middle of absolutely nowhere”) before settling in for a romantic dinner, with Emily changing into an asymmetrical gown inlaid with alternating gold sequin and nude striped panels and finished with a romantic black cape—the looks screams Academy Awards, either attending them, or impersonating them. Ryan slips on his turquoise driving slippers—the better to squash women’s lib with.
Pleasantries about Emily’s fate as his trophy wife aside, Ryan launches into his own Dave Letterman-esque Top 12 list of qualities he’s looking for in his woman, including “encourager,” “someone that’s a servant” and finally, “somebody that people are drawn to.” The good news? Ryan thinks Emily already has that last quality, and given the scores of men across the country that have confessed their undying love to her already we’d be inclined to agree. So one out of twelve isn’t too bad, right?
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – Ryan reads Emily his list, Emily is riveted. (Abc)But Emily is realistic about the odds, and tells Ryan he won’t be getting a rose: ““I don’t know if it’s my insecurity or a difference between the two of us, I’m sorry I can’t give you the rose tonight,” she says with visible conflict.
In utter, face-melting shock, Ryan attempts to sway the Bachelorette with an Ally McBeal-worthy rebuttal, which is so convincing that we break for a commercial before coming back for Emily’s final answer. Still no.
Back at the house, the guys high-five in their matching hoodies (or, as Pixar would have you believe, erupt into a traditional Scottish celebration ritual) at the sight of Ryan’s luggage leaving, with Arie joking “If Ryan’s the next Bachelor then the Bachelorette is a mirror.” Silly Arie, mirrors aren’t encouragers!
But Arie evidently is, as he finds his way to Emily’s front door under cloak of darkness to crawl into bed with her, compliment her on her intuition and smell the sweet scent of not-Ryan’s-rose.
The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 6 – shiny happy people holding hands. (Abc)Two bachelors down, it’s time for the rose ceremony, and an Angelina Jolie–worthy long sleeve white confetti-sequin gown (above left), which if you’ve been paying attention, is totally different than a regular sequin gown. Still confused? Okay the long sleeve black sequin mini cocktail dress with an open tieback that Emily wore post-Highland games was regular sequins. The gold gown she wore to dump Ryan? Also regular sequins, though the pattern was exquisitely unique. The silvery cardigan she wore to the movies? Not even sequins. Just shimmery! Money back please. So we’re in totally groundbreaking, tiny-shiny-things-in-a-different-shape fashion territory here.
Emily spends some QT with the two guys she won’t be choosing in an effort to decide who she won’t choose tonight, as opposed to who she won’t choose next week. Will it be never-cry-Wolf, who reveals himself to be surprisingly sensitive and teary, producing his grandparents’ funeral cards from his wallet, or “Humble Doug,” who is apparently nicknamed Humble Doug without us ever having heard him called this, and is treated to an impromptu “I’m good enough, I’m strong enough and people like me” lesson by Emily.
Worn out from sending all these losers home, Emily seeks comfort in Chris Harrison who tells her that he’s always told her “there are no rules,” which is funny because it seems like there’s a pretty strict format to this show, but whatevs. Hall pass given, Emily decides not to send anyone home, hands out roses all around and informs the guys they’re on there way to Prague.
So it's all good. Until we see the scenes from next week, when it will be revealed (well, after it was revealed weeks earlier by Us Weekly) that Arie used to date Emily’s producer friend, which is a giant bummer, and begs the question: What would Princess Merida of the Scottish kingdom of DunBroch do?