Weddings are a lot to handle. As a guest, you have to navigate the treacherous world of gift registries. You have to avoid drunkenly telling that hilarious story of that time you hooked up with the groom in college. You have to remain upright, in heels, all night.
If you’re the bride, you have even more to think about. How do I pee in this dress? Are my divorced aunt and uncle seated too close to one another? Will my friend tell that horrible story of the time she hooked up with my fiancé in college?
Pretty much no matter what, there’s a lot of stress that goes along with celebrating a wedding. And what’s the most tried and true way to mitigate excessive stress? Alcohol. Therapy. Benzos. Dessert!
There is no surer way to calm everyone’s jangled wedding nerves than with the promise of a delicious dessert. Chicken too dry? Don’t worry, dessert is coming soon. The florist brought calla lilies instead of orchids? At least we have dessert to look forward to. The bride’s father is totally hammered and hitting on the maid of honor? Thank God it’s almost time for dessert.
Considering how important dessert at a wedding can be, it’s surprising to me that so many people insist on serving a dessert that’s as bland as the white and beige color scheme you’ve decided to go with: wedding cake.
Wedding cake is like, fine. It’s there and it’s sweet, so you’re not going to not eat it. But why is it always white when chocolate cake is so much better? And why is it always covered in fondant? Fondant is the devil. It entices you every time, making you think that maybe this time it won’t taste like a sickly sweet chemical just exploded in your mouth, and then BAM, saccharine Chernobyl all up in your tastebuds. I propose a wedding dessert revolution: let them not eat cake.
Here are some alternatives for your wedding desserts:
It’s a little stressful for me to be writing about wedding pie in a public forum, because this is what I’ve been saying I’m going to serve at my wedding in lieu of cake since I was little. Pie is just better than cake, hands down. And, since you’ll need a lot of pies to serve all of your guests, you can have multiple flavor options.
Yes, donuts in place of wedding cake is a bit of a manic-pixie-Pinterest move, but you’ll overlook that as soon as you start filling your mouth with fried balls of sugary goodness.
If we’re being honest, the best thing about a croquembouche is that it’s called a croquembouche. But the second best thing is that’s it’s a gorgeous tower made entirely of creampuffs and draped in spun sugar. If you were bemoaning the fact that not serving cake will take the drama out of your wedding dessert, the croquembouche is for sure the move.
Ice Cream Sundaes
Who says you need one big dessert? Why not channel your inner 6th grader at a pool party and have an awesome sundae bar? Or make grown up root beer floats with champagne instead of root beer.
If you thought the donut idea was trendy you’re definitely not going to like this one. But just for a second imagine how beautiful a giant table covered in brightly colored macarons would be. I digress.
Oreo and Milk Bar
If there’s a guy out there who’s reading this (let’s be honest, there isn’t a guy who got this deep into an article about nontraditional wedding cakes) and is as smitten with this idea as I am, you should probably let me know because we’re maybe soul mates. This bar would have every kind of available Oreo, plus different flavors of milk (and Baileys and Khalúa obviously).
You can stack a bunch of waffles to make them look like a wedding cake, and then serve them with butter and syrup. This way, you get the wedding cake visual, but with a much more delicious (and breakfasty) flavor.
It has cake in the name, but cheesecake is definitely not a traditional move. And everyone loves cheesecake. You can even serve individual cheesecakes if you’re feeling cutesy.